A Noob's Tale

A Noob's Tale follows the adventures of ten stalwart champions of the Horde as they square off against the dreaded minions of Arthas, as well as the other challenges that Northrend has to offer.

The One That Started it All

Loktar ogar! I am Z, at least, that is the name by which this manuscript is signed, and the only name you will ever know. Where you read or hear this tale is unimportant. Perhaps you find it in the Dalarn library, or perhaps you hear it secondhand from the lips of a traveling minstrel in one of the many taverns scattered across the face of Azeroth. Whatever the case may be doesn't matter, all that matters is the story, and the spirit of the champions that wrote it with their words and deeds. As I mentioned, I am Z, and it was my charge to pen the manuscript so that future generations may know ~A Noobs Tale.~

It all began on a dark evening. I sat in the Ledgermain, nursing a tankard of Captain Rumsey's finest. Little did I know the chain of events that were about to befall me, or where they would lead me. I sat in the back corner, my tankard nearly empty, and I began to notice something. A strange number of adventurers were beginning to fill the room. Some of their faces were familiar to me, men and women who had made quite a name for themselves by lashing out at the Lich King's forces alone. Other's were faces that I'd never seen before, faces that were young and unscarred, faces of what some might call children. One man, a troll by the name of Grymnar rose, and with a nod to the barkeep lept atop the bar and began to speak, his voice strong. The words he spoke that night will forever be burned into my memory, and so too, I think, will they be into yours.

~Fellow members of the Horde, Loktar Ogar! Hail and well met! Few of you know the real reason you've been called here tonight, you simply responded to a letter carried to you by one of the many couriers that flit about this fair land, unseen and unheard. You responded to this call of adventure, yet you don't truly know what you're getting in to. Well tonight, I will answer all of those questions. For too long has the shadow of Arthas' been cast over the whole of Azeroth. And I know that each and every man and woman in this room who dares call themself an adventurer has done great things in the name of the Horde. Yet despite it all, none of us have found our place among the ranks of the Elite. None of us have been enlisted into the great teams of heroes who assault the gates of Icecrown Citadel itself! True, there are those among us who have temporarily joined forces with others for one goal or another, but always, when the dust settled we've gone our separate ways. I've seen many of you in action, even when you didn't know I was there. I've watched you, gauging you abilities, and gauging your ability to react to new situations, to new threats. Yet despite your talent, despite your fervor, I know that you've heard the words whispered as we walk past. Our small time achievements aren't enough for many of the great champions are they? How many times have we hear that dreaded term... the word noob as we cross the threshold of an inn? How many times has that word haunted our footsteps, stolen our glory for the acts of service that we have accomplished? How many times has the blood that we have spilt been devalued, simply because we've not been accepted into the great strike forces? Well tonight, I demand that change! Tonight I am issuing a call to arms, to noobs everywhere! Come forth, and show the world... show the alliance, the horde and show that damned cretin Arthas that we're rewriting the dictionary. Tonight, the meaning of noob changes, and in the weeks to come... the word noob will cause the minions of the Scourge, and the Lich King himself to quake with fear! For they will soon know our revenge!

A cheer filled the room, but still there were some whose faces bore doubt, bore trepidation. Grymnar hadn't finished speaking however, and his voice had gained intensity, had reached a timbre that had everyone's eyes fixed firmly upon him.

~I know what you're thinking, because I have many times asked myself the same question. The minions of the Scourge number in the tens of thousands, and they all respond without hesitation to the whim of their King. Indeed, this is their greatest strength, but it is also their greatest weakness. I swear to you my friends, that just as Arthas' forces can be like unto a sword in the hands of their masters, so too can we act as a weapon, of one mind and one strategy. But where the Lich King must think for thousands, we can think individually, adapt individually. We can pick up the slack where someone may fall, we can adjust for a change in situation, and we can out think him! Our naivete will be our saving grace, for we will be forced to rely on one another! We will be forced to forge an unbreakable bond of trust and friendship! How often have we heard tales from the medics of the fall of this raiding party or another, and upon further investigation learned that they were a slap together group of seasoned veterans, each with their own set ways of doing things? We all know the strongest bands of champions, are those that can work together without second guessing one another. It is my belief, that this group of noobs can do exactly that. We can, and will band together into one of the most deadly and powerful teams that Azeroth has ever seen. So I say unto you, who's with me?~

Never before had I heard such a deafening roar, and for one of the first times in my life I felt the fabled battlelust of the horde swelling in my heart. I knew that this group was destined for great things, and I intended to follow them, and to write the story. I made it my mission in life to pass along this tale, so that all may know what really happened when Arthas' and his foul minions endured the Revenge of the Noobs.

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7/16/2010 - The One Where "Revenge of the Noobs" Showed the Fiends of Naxxramas That They Were Anything but Noobs!

Marked the first raid for "Revenge of the Noobs." In an epic display of noobness we crashed into Naxxramas at full bore. More than half of our brave adventurers had never seen any of the devious monstrosities beyond the dreaded Anub'Rekhan, but with very little casualties we laid waste to each and every minion of Arthas that was housed in the Arachnid Quarter. With a brief respite to replenish our fishy essences, we charged directly into the Construct Quarter, finding no true opposition to our Noob-ish might until we encountered the massive frankenstinian beast known as Thaddius. Following one staggering defeat, our stalwart band of heroes was able to rally together and prove mastery of the polarity-swapping fiend! The Plague Quarter was next, and with nary a second glance we laid Noth the Plaguebringer to his final rest. The fiendish sorceror attempted to flee from our wrath, but even as he reached his supposedly safe balcony, he howled in agony and collapsed upon the ground, slain even in his retreat. The fetid smelling halls of Helgan the Unclean were next, and after one tragic breakdown in discipline we formed up and executed upon the unwashed one the Revenge of the Nerds! We progressed to the chamber of the great fungal fiend Loatheb. Grymnar stood at the helm, calling his comrades to action, and as he turned he watched in horror as the gate crashed to the ground in front of him, sealing him off from his fellow heroes. He was forced to watch as his companions slew Loatheb and claimed dominion over the Plague Quarter. It was at this point that we determined we needed to recuperate, and have set up camp at the entrance to Naxxramas, and upon sundown tomorrow we will charge into the hearet of the Military Quarter, where rumor states that The Four Horsemen and their minions await us. In our hearts we know that the spirit of the Horde will carry us through, and soon enough, Kel' Thuzad and the frost wyrm Sapphiron will lie vanquished at our feet!

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7/17/10 - "The One Where the Noobs defeated Kel'Thuzad"

Dusk settled over the land, and as the last lights faded from the horizon a group of 10 hearty heroes stood at the doorway of the floating citadel of death known as Naxxramas. With one last look at the fields of snow below the team turned, heading deep into the section of the citadel wherein the dreaded Death Knights of Arthas received their final training. Our heroes fought their way to Instructor Razuvious. Razuvious would prove to be the most difficult obstacle the heroes would face that evening, but after three attempts the headmaster of the Death Knight school soon lay vanquished, and our heroes set their sights on the next adversary, Gothik the Harvester. The heroes cast lots, and determined who would face the living minions of the Scourge, and who would face those who had been returned from the grave. With ease the champions of the horde vanquished wave upon wave of Arthas' minions, until at last Gothik himself chose to enter the fray. Mere moments past before he who'd once borne the title Harvester lay dead at the feet of the mighty Noobs. Several swarms of Death Knights barred the way to the next challenge, but none of them were a match for the heroic nooblets! Tales shall be told in taverns across Azeroth, of the fight that ensued between Arthas' Four Trusted Horsemen, and the team of raiders who brought the battle to their doorstep. The strategy of the team was flawless, and executed with clockwork precision that would have left even the most clever engineer in awe. The champions of Arthas faltered, and fell beneath the surgical tactics of the ten adventurers. Our heroes retreated to the entrance of Naxxramas, and steeled themselves for the challenge to come. A glowing orb stood atop a pedestal in the causway, and further investigation initiated a teleport, that brough the stalwart companions into the very pinnacle of the floating fortress. It was here that they stared into the icy cold eyes of Sapphiron. Lesser mortals would have quaked in their boots at the sight of the frost drake, but not the men and women who flew the Noob banner. With a cry of exultation the champions of the horde threw themselves into the fray. What a sight it was to behold! Weapons flashed, arrows flew, spells cascaded from outstretched palms and despite the flurry of icy breath that Sapphiron unleashed upon her foes, she was unable to withstand the bloodthirsty assault. The dragon lay dead at their feet, and the friends, a group that had once been little more than a ragtag group of adventurers, now stood staring across the hall towards the master of the floating citadel. Kel'thuzad was in sight. Throwing caution to the four winds the group attacked, easily slaying the monstrous dead that Kel'thuzad summoned in defense against the assault. Straightaway however the steward of Naxxramas was forced to engaged our heroes himself. Luck was on his side however, and he was able to freeze two members of the team in place, laughing wickedly as they fell beneath the crushing weight of their icy prisons. Rourq fell next, consumed by a swirling vortex of energy. Our heroes made a hasty retreat, ressurecting their fallen comrades. Despite the setback, the team refused to be discouraged. They couldn't afford fear, they wouldn't allow it to take hold of their hearts. They knew that together, they could bring about the end of the horrific reign of the master of Naxxramas. From the chamber, a haunting laugh mocked them, and it was in that moment that Kel'thuzad sealed his fate. For that laugh struck a chord, deep within the souls of the party, instilling within them something that Kel'thuzad could never have expected. The attacked with a renewed ferocity, a renewed purpose. For it was then, that they revealed their true strength, it was then that Kel'thuzad became a firsthand witness to... Noob Rage! This time, the steward of the floating citadel of Arthas stood no chance. The heroes of the Horde unleashed their full wrath, and before long the throne room of Naxxramas was cleared. No servant of Arthas was left standing. Merely a day before, the flying ziggurat had housed a veritable legion of Arthas' shock troops, yet as the dawn broke across the horizon of Dragonblight, a cry of victory echoed down through the mountains, and across the battle torn plains. Kel'thuzad was dead, Naxxramas... the Lich King had suffered a grave defeat, and a new age had begun. New heroes had been forged within the chill of the floating citadel. Arthas' days were numbered, for soon, he would know... The Revenge of the Noobs.